literature

no longer. | sawamura daichi

Deviation Actions

Published: Dec 2, 2016

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Literature Text

WARNING: Mentions of suicide.

*Soulmate!AU where if you’re unable to meet your soulmate when either of you are alive, your dead soulmate will come to you via a dream in spirit.

The twist here is that you only have one dream to see them.

You are afraid.

No, you’re not really afraid of anything. Well, technically, that’s a half-life - you’re not afraid of anything, but you are afraid of some things, like the fear of your parents’ death, losing your current friends, failing in that Math test you studied so hard for.

Losing the person who’s destined to be with you.

In your own words, you may consider yourself as unlucky in relationships. You’ve lost count of how many people that came and went in your life - you just know that in each of them, either they failed you or you failed them, and at some point, you were certain that happily ever after is never really meant for you.

But then there’s this term called ‘soulmate’, so you cling onto hope, praying that you’ll find that person. You’re tired of failed love, and you just want one last chance to prove you wrong.

Yet, sitting in this darkened space, fully aware that you’re not awake in reality, you begin to rethink your assumptions.

This is the kind of dream that you really want to avoid. One that confirms that a happy end is not for you.

“Hey.”

You flinch, averting your gaze from the flat space beneath you, to the figure sitting in front of you. Dark hair. Broad shoulders. Somewhat old, somewhat young, but you know sometimes appearance can fool the person’s actual age.

You don’t know what to say.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” you rasp, awfully aware of the way your voice sounds.

The person smiles. A smile that suddenly lights up the fire in your being, a smile that will soon turn the flutters in your stomach into painful staccato pricks.

“Didn’t think that I’d meet you like this,” he says, and you bear your eyes into him as the smile turns into one of pain. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” You don’t know why you say what you just said, but you do. “It’s always like this.”

He doesn’t say anything to that, but instead asks, “What’s your name?”

“[Name].”

“[Name].” His voice sounds like music to you, the kind that you’d love to hear all day. Except that you’ll never hear it again after this. “Sawamura Daichi. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Yeah.” You swallow, hard, throat a bit too dry for your liking. “Nice to meet you too.”

Then silence. A deafening one that seems to echo in this dark place.

Somehow, despite the darkness, you’re still able to see each other. Maybe it’s from the faint glow around your bodies that somehow illuminate yourselves, allow vision to the other, and you can clearly see him.

He is cute. The kind that you know will be quite the catch.

Except-

“So how did you die?”

He hums, trying to remember. “Well, I was walking home from school after practice. It was dark. I was trying to cross the road. Didn’t think there would be any vehicle on that time of the night.” Then he frowns, the scowl on his face deepening. “I got hit by a truck from the opposite lane. Driver survived. I think my family sued him for fast driving, but who knows.”

You hum this time, a bitter smile gracing your features. “What’s it like, dying?”

“Well, I wouldn’t know,” he replies. “It’s like one moment you’re alive, next you’re flying, then you’re asleep. There’s some pain, but it’s just there for a second.”

“That’s really helpful.”

“Is it?”

“Not really,” you say, a bitter edge laced in your voice now. “It’s just that, it sucks. Meeting your soulmate like this only after you’ve died… gods above must be cursing me right now.”

“Hey, don’t be like that.”

“I’m tired of this.”

He falls silent, and you don’t know if he wants you to continue or not, but to hell with it.

You find yourself spilling out your spite in torrents, wanting to relief yourself of the bitterness in your being.

“It’s always, always like this,” you say. “Like I’m not good enough, am I? I lost almost everyone that I love, and that loved me. Either they died, or found someone else, or just don’t want to be with me anymore. Like, what, don’t they think of how it feels for someone like me who gets left out on everything? Don’t they think of how it feels when you’re suddenly replaced, or when they leave you for something better or for themselves because you’re unbearable? No, no one knows how it feels. And I’m tired of this.”

You turn to him, tears spilling freely on your cheeks as sobs racked your body. “And now you, and I don’t know if I’m actually really unlucky, or if my partners keep leaving me because it’s fate.”

Sawamura is silent the whole time you spit your hate, but his gaze on you is filled with concern.

“[Name]-”

“No need to pity me, I’m used to this.” You let out a choked sob, wiping your tears furiously with the sleeves of your shirt. “Maybe I’ll just die and be with you instead, problem solved. Hurts less that it’s worth.”

“But I don’t want you to die.”

You face him, angry at yourself for letting your tears fall again at the sight of him. “What do you know? My soulmate who’s already dead doesn’t want me to die and doesn’t want to be with me. Figures. Might as well just-”

“I didn’t say I don’t want to be with you.”

“Liars. Fucking liars. All of you.”

“[Name]-”

“No, don’t say a word. Don’t say a goddamn word. I swear if you try to-”

You’re cut off by a pair of warm lips on your own.

For a moment, you’re unable to think. Who knows that kissing in a dream is the same as doing it in real life? And he feels far too real for you to care. Either you’re overcome by emotions, or the knowledge that this is the last time you’re going to do this, you return the kiss with more fervor that he does, effectively surprising him as he lets out a choked moan at the intensity of your lips pressing against his.

Death be damned, you’re going to kiss your soulmate if that’s the last thing you’ll ever do, even if it’s just in a dream.

It’s a while before you break apart, arms encircled around his neck as his labored breathing fans your face. He looks flushed, and you know you must be, too.

“I hate you,” you say, a little out of breath. “I hate you for dying before I could meet you. Why did you have to die?”

He chuckles, brings you into his embrace. “I’m sorry. I really do.”

You cinches the back of his shirt with your fingers, tears once again spilling onto your cheeks as you sob on his shoulder. “You’d better be waiting for me on the other side, you damn bastard, or I’ll never forgive you for abandoning your soulmate like this.”

You feel his smile on your back, know that the same smile is adorned on your face. “I will.”

You let yourself relax in his grasp. “You don’t have to wait for long, though.”

“...Why?”

“Why not?” with a laugh, you release him. “I’m already halfway to dying, you’re already dead. Guess we’re not gonna be separated for too long, are we?”

He looks somewhat concerned. “You’re halfway to… why?”

You smile, and it’s a sad one as you reply:

“If falling down from the topmost building to your death is the way to see you, then I’ll do just that.”